I’ll Hold You In Heaven

Most of my blog posts have been personal, but this one is going to be the most personal of all of them. I feel that it is very important to talk about since many couples experience this and struggle with the many emotions that my husband and I struggled with. I hope that this post will be very helpful to someone, even if it is only 1 person.

About 2 years after my husband and I were married, we had a miscarriage when I was about 10 weeks along in my pregnancy. We were totally devastated. We had so many questions and very few answers.

When we found out that we were miscarrying, I blamed myself. I thought that, surely, it was something that I had done wrong. The night before I miscarried, Tim and I were helping out at Vacation Bible Study at church. We had sung a song where a lot of movement was involved, most particularly, standing up and sitting down over and over again. I thought that for sure I had hurt the baby somehow by doing these movements.

My doctor informed me that I was not to blame in any way. She said that there was obviously something wrong with the baby and that he or she had most likely passed away at least a week before I even knew it. My doctor was great! She had suffered a miscarriage herself, so she knew exactly how I was feeling.

Some of the questions that went through my head were: what happened to our baby after he or she passed away, will I see him or her in Heaven, will I be able to have children in the future….. I could say that I went through a variety of emotions, but I didn’t. I really only had one, which was sadness.

One evening, within just a few days of our loss, my husband and I went to our local Christian bookstore and asked the clerk for recommendations on books that could help us. He led us to a book titled “I’ll Hold You In Heaven” by Jack Hayford. It was so helpful and encouraging to us. It answered all of the questions that I had except for one (which was the question of “why”) and I will never know the answer to that one until I am in Heaven myself.

I’ll Hold You In Heaven” is based on what the Bible tells us about anyone who passes away. I WILL see my baby again and I WILL recognize him or her immediately, even though I never got to lay my eyes or hands on this precious creation while on earth. As soon as my baby passed away, he or she was ushered into Heaven and was in the arms of Jesus. This was, and still is, such comforting knowledge!

Another element that I want to address is how our friends and family reacted to our miscarriage. Both Tim’s family and my family were awesome! The night that we miscarried, Tim’s parents came over with dinner to our apartment. My parents surprised us by driving 3 ½ hours to come and support us. I remember them standing at our apartment door and I was flooded with thankfulness that they were there!! There is nothing like a hug from Mom and Dad, especially when you are going through the most traumatic event in your life. Our friends dealt with us in different ways. I had one friend who had miscarried a child herself so she would call me and see how I was doing and offer encouragement to me. A week or so after our loss, we ran into some of our friends at the mall. I will never forget what (we’ll call her “Sue”) said to me. She gave me a hug and said, “It just wasn’t meant to be.” I about fell over! How could she say such a thing? God doesn’t make mistakes or change His mind! God just had a different plan for our baby’s life than we had. It was surely meant to be! I remember reading something a while back from someone who had lost their baby in the womb. She said something like: it takes most people a lifetime to achieve what God wants them to achieve in life. This child accomplished all that God had intended within only a few short weeks.

One of the ladies at our church reacted in a way that made a huge impact on me and still stays with me to this day! She quietly came up to me and gave me a hug while I cried. She didn’t need to say anything at all. Her hug meant more than words ever could!!

After we miscarried, we heard about so many people that have gone through what we did. When it occurred, we felt so alone. It wasn’t until later on that we realized that miscarrying was common in the first trimester. That fact doesn’t make it any easier for those who are going through it though. Our loss has made me more sensitive to others who are experiencing this devastating event.

Even now, almost 21 years later, I still think about our experience. Whether it be at the doctor’s office where I have to mark that I have had 3 pregnancies (not just 2) on the paperwork, or thinking ahead to Heaven and what it will be like to see loved ones who have passed on before, including our baby, there are little reminders every now and then. One instance happened just this weekend, hence the idea of writing this particular blog post. The minister was speaking about the rapture of Christians and how the dead in Christ will rise first (1 Thessalonians 4:16). He and his wife experienced a miscarriage years ago and he mentioned how their unborn child would be raptured as well. I had never thought about that piece before. I had tears in my eyes as I thought about that event and how exciting it will be! Our miscarried baby will never be forgotten by us! He or she was our child even though we never got to meet him or her.

Since our miscarriage, God has blessed Tim and I with 2 beautiful children who are now almost full grown adults. We have never kept our miscarriage a secret from them, as they will someday get to meet their older sibling.

I hope this post has been helpful and encouraging to anyone who has struggled with understanding why God put a miscarriage in their path! We will never know the exact answer until we get to Heaven and see our child face to face. Even then, I think we will be so excited to see him or her that the “why” question will not even matter anymore. I want the first thing that I say to him or her to be, “I love you” as we walk the Streets of Gold together forever.

Written by Kathryn Conrad

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